I was out for dinner last night with some very good friends. Knowing that I would be waiting alone in the lobby for an extended period of time, I had brought a book to read. "Toasts & Tributes," of the Gentlemanners series, was the book which I happened to choose. When my friends arrived and noticed my book, we found ourselves laughing at the often ridiculous demands placed on a "gentleman." I believe their reaction was best summed up in Cyler's response to the idea of a hand-written invitation to a 'jacket and tie' evening of cocktails and hors d'œuvre: "If you ever send me an invitation like that, I'll kick you in the groin."
Back when a gentleman was the norm and the oaf was an oddity, most of the prescribed 'gentlemanly' behaviours would not be have seemed out of place. But in today's world where the oafish is considered standard (ride the bus for 15 minutes and tell me I'm wrong), even the simplest gentlemanly behaviour stands out. I'm not saying that Cyler's response was wrong (or oafish, in the context of this paragraph). An invitation like that is unheard of in our culture, especially among people of our age. But I fear for our society when a similar disgust or confusion is felt when even the basic principles of gentlemanly courtesy are demonstrated.
I worry about misinterpretation.
In a society where this behaviour is rare, are gentlemanly respect and attention easily misinterpreted as signs of romantic feelings?
I desire the chivalrous lifestyle, I can't imagine a better behaviour model to complement a Godly lifestyle (my other goal in life). I want every woman in my life to feel respected, honored, supported, and special. But can I, in this day and age, behave in this way without giving the impression that I've got a crush on each and every one of them? Were I handsome and charming, it might not be an issue, they might be quite flattered by such a misinterpreted crush. But I fear that, reality being what it is, I'll have every lady in my life avoiding me because she doesn't want to confront me about the feelings she assumes I have for her. Women rarely seem to be kind enough to give an outright rejection (interesting). This hurts when the crush is real, but in this case I just fear that I'll be left with a friendship crippled by her avoidance of feelings which she wrongly supposes I have for her.
I may be completely wrong here. I openly acknowledge the dangerous amount of extrapolation involved in this thought process.
Simply, I am a gentleman (working on it) and not a flirt. I want every woman to feel honored by my behaviour towards her. I don't want her to think that I have a crush on her when I don't. Their lives, and my life, are better off without such complications (I've yet to meet anyone who likes rejecting or being rejected).
How do I make this work? I haven't the faintest idea.
Maybe it really isn't a problem at all.
"A gentleman might very easily be categorized as a flirt. A pulled chair, held door, and timely compliment simply take the places of the whistle, cat call, and pick-up line."
"I am blessed to have a group of friends made up of ladylike ladies and gentlemanly gentlemen. No, we don't take it to the degree of pomp and circumstance demarcated by "the books" but we do behave in a manner that is usually a step above a good portion of our peers. In our group, to act like a gentleman is not an odd thing and, thankfully, this means that our attempts at gentlemanly behaviour are not confused as anything more than what they are."
7 comments:
Unfortunately, there are a few things that ruined our gentlemanly culture. One of which was the feminist movement. They saw chivalry as degrading, and definitely helped kill it.
The other thing is that our western world has become so self-centered (capitalism anyone?) that we hardly look past ourselves. Take a look at the divorce rate if you need some examples of that. Be thankful you don't live in the States (or at least Southern California) because it is FAR worse than here. I am all for being chivalrous and all that noise.
I do think some of those things specified in those books though would be absolutely outrageous. Handwriting and mailing invitations to a dinner party just seems so uptight and snobby, as well as slow and inefficient. I could probably get over some of the feelings of hatred towards what seems snobby, but do I want to? I am proud to be middle class. I deliver beds to upper class snobs every day, and I don't really want to have any part of that culture. So while I do enjoy dressing up and looking nice every once in a while, and I will certainly join friends for dinner parties, you won't find me proclaiming we should have them more often than hang-out times playing Smooth Moves and looking ridiculous.
(I promise not to kick you in the groin)
Jonny I think you are so awesome that you want to be all gentlemanly like, guys like you are rare, and yes sadly since this behaviour is so rare in our society, many times when men DO act this way women automatically assume they are just trying to impress them. Many guys do that when they first meet me, act very gentlemanly and such, and as you get to know them you realize this was just an act. So I do very much appriciate your attitude and persistence in becoming a lovely gentleman, and as far as I know, you don't need to worry about women mistaking this for a crush. If they know you at all, they wouldn't assume this. I don't think anyway, I could be wrong.
You'll have no argument from me. I have no interest in the lifestyle of a snob and the show life they put on.
Those books give alot of ideas, some are practical and useful, some are not. For example, table manners are crucial for ensuring that your fellow diners enjoy their time with you. The changes required are small and really should not be an inconvenience. The key is to view meal-times as an opportunity to interact with friends and family while enjoying food, not simply forcing sustenance down our gullets.
It is often the small things that make a difference, the big showy ideas really aren't that valuable.
My coworker, Victor, told me about his first meal with the family of the young lady who eventually became his wife. He managed to impress his future mother-in-law with the simple act of tipping his soup bowl away from him when finishing scooping the remainder. It really is the small things which can make some of the biggest impressions.
A gentleman can host a multi-course dinner party with the same ease and enjoyment as he could a football party with pizza. The life of a true gentleman is practical.
And thank you Amy, your comments are greatly appreciated. I can worry about these things for days at a time and not come to any valuable conclusion. I am so thankful for friends who can offer an external view and set me straight.
I have always watched for gentlemen (defined by behaviour rather than status or society)- how I spot them is how they treat all women. I think this consistency is also how you end 'crush' misinterpretations. When a man open a door for a beautiful women while checking her out from behind and ignoring the other women just as close - it makes me sick and angry. But when a guy opens the door for the plain jane or the older lady or the mom with 3 kids, it makes me smile and I instantly respect him. Women are very observant.
A gentleman to me is a man with a character defined by goodness in thought and deed. Those men who do things because they value and honor people. The other kind are just looking for what they can get for their actions including recgonition- they are very self focused. HINT TO ALL MEN - most women (at least the healthy ones you want to date long term) can tell the difference between the two.
I think feminism blossomed because men were not treasuring and honouring women but possessing and controlling them. Thus why women fought for their rights. Although they took it too far!
I miss chivalry but maybe I am old fashioned. My last crush was because I met this guy who had a good character. He helped women with their luggage and made sure they were looked after but expected nothing in return. I actually complimented him about it.
I think women are really used to men using and manipulating them. ( I am sure this goes both ways) So there is a mistrust for men who do or offer nice things. BUT DON'T STOP! One of the things I am learning as a women is to allow men (especially those who have proven consistency)to do those things when they offer. I think this is the challenge for women now. We are always so concerned about putting other people out that we have gotten in a habit of not allowing others to help. There have been a few times where I was quietly blessed by the offer but it didn't accept it. What a horrible message to send to the one offering!
Jono - my favorite thing about you has always been your goodness/intregity. It is the quality I most admire in people and have always seen it in you. Its one of the reasons I have always been your cheerleader and maybe bugged you more than I whould have. I wanted you to see how precious and rare the gift that you hold is to us women. I applaude and admire your efforts. You are really an amazing man.
I agree with Sindy. Being a gentleman is a great deal about being auhentic and impartial. In my mind, it goes way beyond "common courtesy", altough manners are certainly good. My definition of a gentleman is one who makes those around him feel genuinely welcome and valued in his presence. Which is more gentlemanly: wearing a nice pair of slacks and shiny shoes to a shin-dig or wearing jeans and a t-shirt because you know those of a lower economic standing may be there? Being a gentleman can be a very relative thing in my mind, depending on cercumstances and intention. Jono, you have to be on my top 10 of the most gentelmanly people I have ever met. Its not what you do and say that makes you that way either, its the caring, real way in which you show concern and respect for your friends.
Whoa. Major stuff, dude. (This is the Victor co-worker Jonathan is referring to). Being a gentleman starts with one very simple rule: if all people are made in the image and likeness of God, then it behooves a God-fearing man to at least implicitly recognize the innate, inalienable dignity of human persons, and that means ALL human persons. Women are equal to men BUT different. It helps if a young man is formed in a milieu that still understands this distinction; sadly, North American popular culture is not that milieu. Hint: look up 'Theology of the Body' and you'll glean some sense of what I'm referring to.
http://theologyofthebody.net/
P.S. Caroline and I have been married 10 years, and I still help her put on her coat when we go out to dinner. And one thing about manners is that a good host makes everyone feel comfortable, not out of place or awkward -- no matter what their economic situation is. If a person of means acts with disdain or disrespect towards those less fortunate, that says much more about their true character than any of their bling can. A homeless person is as deserving of consideration and respect as a corporate CEO. But we too often forget this, since we are not always mindful of being called to be in the world, but not of it.
Oh, and the misinterpretation thing? If a particular young lady thinks you're just hitting on her because you're acting like a 'gentleman' -- you might want to think about whether or not she's for you. Life is complicated enough without introducing an impedance mismatch when it comes to parsing the social graces.
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