What am I?

What am I doing?
What do I want to do?
What do I think I need to do?
What do I actually need to do?

Do I exist apart from a purpose. Back in highschool, in my theological toddler years (though I've not progressed much since), I used to think that we, as humans, were created by God around a particular goal, a purpose, a reason. I would tell you that we exist to do something. It may be big or small in the eyes of those around us, but it is ultimately valuable on the eternal timeline. I've encountered alot of depressed and suicidal people in my life, more than most I expect; This "purpose" rhetoric was my primary encouragement to them for many years (my appropriately educated friends may tell me that this was wrong approach, but it seemed to work at the time).

Do not misunderstand me, I have not stopped believing this. I am simply finding that, like most elements of the Christian faith, believing something is nowhere near as challenging as actually acting on that belief. I have always longed for the theophanic experiences of many of the bible stories, simply because I've always felt that His purpose for my life would be clearer and, more importantly, harder to ignore if it were not a comfortable task.

Elijah the Tishbite (no, I didn't have to type "Tishbite", I just like how it sounds) seemed to get pretty clear instructions about what he was supposed to say and do. Were his instructions clearer than mine, or was he simply listening better? What side am I on here? Would Elijah pat me on the back, or rebuke me and call down a drought?