Wow it's a lonely Jonny (a rarity?)

Sitting around a fire with Nathan, Lauren, Daniel, and a man whose name I have forgotten but who I know is a good friend of Lauren and her family, talking about anything and everything which came to mind. The last few minutes of the of the conversation dealt with our plans for Daniel's romantic future. It was fun, Daniel was a bit uncomfortable (though he was chided thoroughly for this and educated in the proper responses by this very wise man) but I hope that he enjoyed himself nonetheless.

But... here's where those wonky little cogs started creaking and turning within my head. Romance isn't an aspect of my life which is discussed much. It is certainly not brought up comfortably in conversation by others and, should I ever let it slip, it definitely doesn't hold up for long. It is uncomfortable. Honestly. How often in movies have they used the scene of someone holding a dying person, telling them that their not dying and then quickly changing the subject in order to not deal with the reality. My friends maintain a modicum of decency, tiptoeing around the reality at hand. Even if I were the most charming fellow -- an option unfortunately degraded by lacking confidence, growing self-absorption, and seemingly endless unhealthy pride -- the fact would remain that I have a figure which is the antithesis of desirable. So it is there that I find my struggle as one who is hopelessly romantic. I might as well have an unquenchable desire to run the Boston Marathon, it's just about as likely. What the real issue then is how to approach this as talking about it makes others uncomfortable but the resulting pain from keeping it in simply continues the degredation of my personality as well as my self-control and general attention to my physical self.

I wasn't lazy and I didn't over-eat but I gained weight anyway. As I gained weight, I came to care less and less for myself (as others seemingly cared less and less for me) and the downward spiral began. What bursts of confidence and motivation I've had have always fallen away simply with the daunting task of moving this massive frame enough to actually do any good. It is killing me, emotionally and physically. I want to love, I want to be loved, but I don't want a woman to 'settle' for someone like me. No one deserves this.

I hate rants that solicit pity. Pity is of no use to me. I want advice, guidance, help, but I honestly don't think that these are things which can be offered by those around me. I haven't been real with you guys, how could I expect you to be real with me. As hard as it has been to do so, I will continue to look upward for assistance. God is faithful, no matter how badly I've screwed up. Thank you Jesus for paying ALL of that price. I hope I can learn to follow well enough to fix this, because I certainly haven't been doing a good job on my own.